Speaking to be Known: Communication that Connects.
We attended a Christmas church service the day before Christmas Eve this year. It was a beautiful service, centered on the condition of the heart and the invitation Jesus offers to soften the places that have grown guarded or hard.
We happened to be sitting in a section of the church filled with families and young children. Our youngest is a teenager now, and hearing the sounds of little ones always stirs something in me. There is a mix of longing for the years when my kids were small and a genuine appreciation for the life and energy young children bring into a space.
About halfway through the service, one little girl nearby became increasingly fussy. Her mom gently picked her up and stepped out into the hallway for a few minutes. When they came back in and were just about to sit down, the little girl said clearly and without hesitation, “Mommy, I don’t want to be back in here.”
I smiled. It was funny, yes. But it was also honest in a way most of us lose over time.
She was not dramatic. She did not accuse her mother of being mean or unfair. She did not explain herself or justify her feelings. She simply stated what was true for her in that moment.
As I sat there, I thought about how early in life we begin learning to swallow that kind of honesty. We learn that expressing what we want or do not want might inconvenience someone else. We learn to keep quiet so we do not upset people, disappoint them, or disrupt the flow. Over time, that voice does not disappear. It just goes underground.
And when it stays underground long enough, it tends to come out sideways.
Instead of a clear statement of truth, it shows up as irritation, sarcasm, contempt, or emotional withdrawal. Instead of saying something simple like, “This doesn’t feel good for me,” we find ourselves snapping, shutting down, or building a case against the person we love.
This is one of the reasons inner child work matters so much in adult relationships. It is not about revisiting the past endlessly. It is about reconnecting with the part of you that knows what is true and learning how to express that truth with clarity and care.
That little girl did not need to make her mom wrong in order to speak honestly. She did not attack. She did not suppress herself either. She simply told the truth in a way her nervous system could handle.
Healthy boundaries and assertive communication work the same way. They allow you to name your experience without turning your partner into the problem. They protect the relationship from the emotional intensity that comes when needs go unspoken for too long.
Assertiveness is not harsh. It is filtered truth. It is choosing language that honors both what is real for you and the humanity of the person listening. It is learning to say what you mean before resentment takes over the microphone.
So often, couples are not fighting because their needs are unreasonable. They are fighting because those needs were buried, delayed, or expressed through blame instead of clarity.
There is something deeply mature and deeply relational about being able to say, “This doesn’t work for me,” without adding a story about why the other person is wrong. That kind of communication softens hearts instead of hardening them.
Sometimes growth looks less like becoming stronger and more like becoming simpler. More honest. More direct. More kind.