How Shameless Behavior Destroys Relationships
Shame is one of those things most people don’t think about directly, but it shapes how we treat ourselves and the people we love. Experts disagree about the definitions of shame, toxic shame, and guilt. For simplicity of this blog, the perspective taken is shame vs. toxic shame. Through this framework, not all shame is bad. In its healthy form, shame actually helps us stay connected to others. It’s the feeling that stops you from going too far when you’re upset. It’s what makes you pause before yelling, calling someone a name, or blaming them for what’s happening. Healthy shame says, “Wait…this might hurt someone I care about.” It keeps you aware of your impact and helps you come back, take responsibility, and repair.
Toxic shame is very different. Toxic shame isn’t something you chose—it’s something that was put on you when you were young. It can come from being hit, belittled, ignored, or controlled through shame by caregivers who didn’t know how to manage themselves. Instead of helping you feel guided and safe, those experiences can leave you with a deep sense that something is wrong with you, especially when you make mistakes. Healthy shame will allow you to learn from your mistakes, toxic shame makes you believe you’re a mistake. Over time, this creates a drop in your sense of worth, and that feeling can follow you into adulthood and into your relationships.
When someone carries toxic shame, it tends to show up in one of two ways. Some people become the one who offends. They raise their voice, criticize, blame, or dismiss others. They tend to be oblivious to their impact on other people and hyper-focused on their own experience or defending their behavior. This can be an unconscious attempt to get back a sense of power they didn’t have as a child or protect their deep sense of feeling flawed. It’s not that they are “bad,” but they never learned how to process their emotions in a way that protects others. Others go the opposite direction. They become overly responsible, take the blame quickly, and tolerate being treated poorly. They may feel like it’s their job to keep the peace or make things better, even when they’re being hurt. Both patterns come from the same place, and both often feel very reactive—like you’re easily hurt, easily overwhelmed, or always trying to protect yourself.
One of the more confusing dynamics is when someone behaves in a shameless way—yelling, blaming, or being hurtful—and then, when it’s pointed out, they feel ashamed or attacked. Instead of taking responsibility, they turn it around and make the other person the problem. This makes relationships incredibly difficult, because it removes space for empathy and accountability. Without those two things, repair becomes almost impossible, and connection disappears.
If you find yourself in a relationship like this and you’re not ready to leave, your work is very clear. It’s understanding that you can’t change the other person, but you can work on staying grounded in yourself. That means practicing clear, firm boundaries and learning to speak from your own experience. Instead of blaming, you might say, “When that happens, I feel hurt, and I need something different.” There’s nothing to argue with when you’re sharing your own feelings. You’re not trying to win—you’re trying to be understood.
At the same time, pay attention to how the other person responds. Someone who is willing to grow will slow down, listen, and try to understand the impact they’ve had on you—even if it’s uncomfortable. Someone who isn’t ready will defend, justify, or double down. That difference matters. It tells you what is possible in the relationship.
No matter where you are in this, it’s important that you don’t go through it alone. Shame grows in isolation, and it softens in safe, supportive connection. Whether that’s friends, family, or a trusted professional, having people who help you stay anchored in your reality is essential.
This isn’t about labeling yourself or someone else as “good” or “bad.” It’s about understanding how shame has shaped you—and deciding, with intention, how you want to show up moving forward. Healthy relationships require both people to take responsibility for themselves. And that starts with learning to stay connected to yourself, even when things get hard.